Civil Rights, Inequality, Injustice, Inner Strength, Justice, Race Relations


© Q. Montgomery, Memphis, TN. 2013

To Love a Black Man in America

To Love a Black Man in America is not an easy thing to do.

You first must understand what makes him tick. That is hard to do being that every negative stereotype you can imagine has been attached to him.  He has no real way to change these stereotypes so he has to somehow learn to live with it.  Because of this, his is a life beleagued with many contradictions and much conflict.

This is the result of many years of misunderstanding, misrepresentation, and prejudgment.  He is feared, hated, admired and shunned.  A walking, talking, Enigma to those not willing or wanting to look deep into what seemingly is a cold, non feeling, non caring thing.  He is perceived as a threat and as we all know perception is reality.

There have always been those who say he brought this upon himself.  Really? Oh and my favorite,  “if he would just do the right thing” as if his whole being is doing the wrong thing.  I believe their idea of doing the right thing is to just be a passive puppet with no opinions, no ideas, no feelings, nothing.  If he does go that route tho, now he is accused of no motivation and being a lazy good for nothing.  So now he has to figure out how to survive in this type of environment.  Meanwhile he sees the real perpetrators of horrendous things who don’t look like him, being applauded and in some cases imitated.

Seeing the unfairness of it all he becomes disconnected.  He feels it’s a no win situation so why even bother.  Nothing will ever change.

Some internalize the pain and become self destructive through crime or drug abuse etc.  Others decide to play the game, never really resolving their innermost conflicts.  Instead they carry them around thru life like an appendage.

To Love A Black Man in America is to understand and appreciate his Power to Endure.  This is not for the faint of heart.  But if you happen to be in Love With A Black Man in America, or seek to do so, Buckle up…you may be in for a bumpy ride…….

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  1. First congratulation to my Sister Warrior P for the site. To read To Love a BLack Man In America, and Q’s article serve as reinforcement, as if I needed any as a 76 year old African/Native American for my decision to re-locate out of the USA to Ghana West Africa at my young age.
    Although living in Ghana is not all chocolate and red wine, the consensus reason among the Brothers and Sisters I have met here, who are coming in increasing numbers, is that the absence of racism is the primary cause for exiting the USA.
    Is there class difference here in Ghana, oh yeah, big time. Subsistence living amidst great wealth, oh yeah; cultural differences, as that great USA observer of politics said: You Betcha. Is it a struggle to be recognized for our value. Uh huh.
    But the USA is a story unto itself. The myth of the USA is one thing; living the reality is something else again in its entirety.
    Suffice to say that I concluded that To Love a Black Man in America, Myself, meant that I had to drop America from the equation for my sense of Self. Add women, poor and people of color to the equation and the reality of the USA is stark and clear.
    Aint it great that fortunately the USA is not America. Later.Peace
    Bernard W. Saunders
    Iture-Elmina. Ghana


    1. Well said my Beautiful Brother. Before I reply I want to mention that, like you, my other brother “Q”, has a tremendous amount to say. I am really looking forward to the future to see what sparks will be flying from him. But yes, he says very well what he has to say.
      I am now newly saying on this blog, but as you have heard from me so many times before, after 69 years of trying to breathe in the stifling atmosphere of racism in this country, watching the never ending violence, police brutality, profiling, hatred and fear that persists day after day in our country and after all those many years of seemingly fruitless and pointless activism – I have finally concluded that the only way Change will ever actually come to this country is One Person at a Time. Each of us must try our best to represent our relationship in the Brotherhood of Man by acting toward one another in the same way we hopefully would act toward our blood family. Hopefully we can then lead by a POSITIVE example those who will follow behind us. Instead of leaving a legacy of mental castration, pain and misunderstanding, we can begin a proliferation of understanding and cooperative thinking among men and women of all colors and all nations. But that can only happen if people will allow themselves to become Human Beings, which means people would most likely have to remove their focus from the Dollar Bill and focus toward enlightenment. Will that ever happen? Not to sound like the Nihilist I was once suspected of being – but the observation is pretty evident that in the thousands of years Man has been on the planet he has ruled himself by greed, envy and discontent. The hope I do have though, is that as mankind trods ever onward scientifically, he will hopefully trod upward spiritually. Again, One Person at a Time is the only way I know to go now. Even if my one tiny splash in the pool of life makes only one ripple, that will still be one instead of none.
      In response to your commentary about Ghana – I guess that speaks to the same familiar issues about the nature of man. Whether Ghana, America, India or wherever Man is found – it seems we can’t get out of our own way. Our basic nature just seems to want to come out no matter where we are. We just have to be better than the next man, smarter than the next man, have more than than the next man. Again, the concept of All One Blood could remedy the situation hopefully But no matter where Man goes on earth, the same certain difficulties seem to follow, even if other certain difficulties are left behind. Sigh……


  2. Something’s in the air………
    Thanks P for your friendship of 40 years, long time huh.I have been traveling mostly on the west coast the past two weeks and I have notice a subtle change in the not the normal “hi how are you “greeting that people use to say.but a more weary, assuming,and prejudged greeting that appears to be guarded and in many ways unfriendly at all.there seems to be a sort of distrust among the people that is so thick you can cut it with a knife .i find myself having to be more and more condescending in my in my approach to people whether it’s asking for directions or even checking into a hotel .it’s a very strange feeling.when I do manage to engage in conversation with someone,it’s short non eventful and as personal as walking on a busy seems like everyone is going out of they’re way not to engage in dialogue,of any kind.maybe it’s a safety concern I don’t know but it’s definitely there.I find myself wondering if my Black Maleness warranting this behavior or is it like the song say “just my imagination”.with the aftermath of the Trayvon Martin debacle I feel there is an uneasiness among the people as they address black son in law also experience it but he would internalize it and make it personal of which I had to explain to him we all (black men )are experiencing it now.we were at this delicatessen I ordered a omelet he order cappuccino ,they took our respective names so when our order was ready they would call it.well when my order was ready they called my name and everyone else in line with us.but when his order was ready they said nothing just but it on the counter ,he immediately confront the server who looked as if it was just an over sight,but my son in law said it was a diliberate act of which he always encounters there because of his dark colored skin. Are we as black men becoming overly sensitive in this post Trayvon Martin era?maybe so but one thing is for sure there is something in the air ….. I feel it…..and so does many others……..


    1. No Q, it’s definitely not your imagination. It seems to me our country is becoming even more polarized in recent years. There is one whole other reason that has nothing to do with color – but that is a discussion for another day – that particular topic is the disconnect between people due to technology. People don’t actually speak to each other face to face anymore. But for now – I am in total agreement with what you are saying, and not for reasons of technology. Aside from a general growth of intolerance in this country – and I mean we have gone backward day by day since the days of the Civil Rights movement – just look at the hatred being grown all over America over just the one single subject of immigration. That in itself is ludicrous considering that, unless one is a Native American, his own family were immigrants to this country at one time. There is also a lot of hatred and resentment going on in the non-colorized communities because of what they are calling “reverse discrimination”. It is all tied into money. Because of U.S. laws governing employment quotas in certain situations – and I know whereof I speak because I have seen these quotas in black and white in at least one office I worked at – if businesses want to qualify for certain types of government funding or other government backed incentives, they must meet these quotas. The quotas mandate that to qualify for this or that government program or funding, the company must maintain x number of Native American employees, x number of Asian, x number from this group and that group etc. Less adherence to the quotas, less chance of getting funding or incentives. This has created a backlash in what I will call the “non-color” communities across America because cries are being heard and even lawsuits have been filed claiming that jobs or education have been denied an applicant due to the fact that he was NOT a person of color. When you consider how black people in particular were dragged in chains to this country, thrown overboard unceremoniously when they died along the way through the Middle Passage, were forced into slavery, then raped, whipped, starved, ripped from their families when they got here and STILL have to be a thousand times better than a non-colorized person to get a job today – these people doing the suing and whining need to check themselves and take a look at the advantages they have over many other people SOLELY by virtue of the light color of their skin. Anyway I’m going off on a tangent now. The answer is yes, you are right. With incidents like the Trayvon Martin tragedy and other issues being made more public – our nation has tragically become more polarized into camps. One camp advocates vigilantism, one camp advocates peace, another camp advocates something else. And through it all it is the same basic culprit: a misplaced sense of Entitlement by a particular group of people.


      1. loolo yep you will get into a rant lol, so full of love for people I wish there were more people like you patty you are truly the genuine article.i believe people are polarized as a safety mechanism,being part of a group you identify with can give comfort to those not secure enough in themselves to step out of that comfort zone.i believe most non black people know the plight of black people in this country and feel strongly how unjust it is but don’t have the courage to speak out about takes a lot of guts to speak against others in your peer group who has your same ethinicity who may feel differently that you do.thats why I say it again patty your a diamond.very rare.with a beautiful soul.knowing and telling the true is what you would think we all should want right?well knowing the truth and telling the truth is like I said before”walking through hell with a pair of gasoline drawers on you will get burned so you may as well enjoy the fireworks”it is much easier to believe a lie,you see with a lie it is more appeasing,more easy to live an unrestricted life,without any guilt .but also as I said before the truth is a very stubborn thing it will tend to surface at the wrong time.and all the lies and half truths that can get people through there day not feeling any kind of remorse or sympathy will suddenly jolt them back to reality. when you have a system that was literally devised to subjugate a people simply because of the color of their skin and thereby justify it with more lies it becomes more and more apparent that it’s not just the color of their skin that cause such blatant discrimination.and it’s see it is now and always has been about survival of a race of people ,black men and boys have the equivalent of one thousand nuclear bombs in their dna(black women too but they are less threatening than the males for some reason) which can completely eradicate any race of people but especially Caucasian race simply by breeding with them.this is what it is about,this is what it has always been about, survival of a race of is so sad that so much pain and suffering was brought on a people who had no choice of what dna they would possess. and that is the hardest part to understand about this whole power was a slogan spoken in the sixties and seventies the real truth is if you are black you do posess a very awesome power and those people who hate you for no apparent reason know exactly what it is.


        1. Wow Anon, first of all, thank you so much for your very kind words. But more – you told the truth right into a nutshell there. I’m sure there must be some Bible quote about what you said because the problem is just that old – and as you say it’s just easier for people to stay in their comfort zone rather than to speak up and maybe fan the flames of discontent. I actually think though, that aside from racist views inherited from one’s family and community, there is another issue perpetuating the separation of people in this country. This other thing is so deep and so pervasive i don’t know if it will ever be fixed. What I am talking about is the origin of polarization, which is now becoming even more and more pronounced. Because of the already existing fear and non-understanding between cultures in this country, people just seem to gravitate toward their own kind. I mean, there is the Dominican part of town, the Korean part of town, this and the other part of town. Then, because many people just don’t live next door to differing cultures that much, they are never exposed to those who are different from themselves. This is particularly true in the white world. Not only do white people gravitate toward each other but for the most part they really avoid having anything to do with any parts of any people of color. They want to live in their own neighborhood, shop in their own stores, pray in their own churches (which is actually pretty laughable when you consider that most of the people in these churches consider themselves to be Christians). But then what that leads to is the non-understanding of any culture other than their own.That lack of understanding leads to fear – fear of the unknown. The Unknown then becomes this huge, looming threat. And that fear and imagined threat has polarized our nation so badly that we have reached this place where we are now indiscriminately killing innocent young people who are just walking down the street or playing in the park. And the worst of it is the denial of any of the FACTS that you mention in your comment. Our society, for hundreds of years now, has been arranged in such a way as to subjugate first the Native Americans, then the Black Man, then the Chinese and any other person of color and it went on and on and is still going on as we speak. But of course, for the most part history has found all kinds of justification for the actions of our forefathers and people today still find all kinds of justification for their lack of understanding and outright inhuman behavior. That is why, as I said in one of my comments above, after living all these years that I have been blessed to live, the only way I believe Change can ever come is just one person at a time. It’s more than a sad statement, it’s tragic…but I just don’t know any other way to go.

          i thank you very much for your extremely on-point comments. I hope you will continue to jump in with your views on these existing posts or other posts we will be making in the future. This is so important – to get a dialog going that hopefully will reach some eyes and ears that can spring open with enlightenment.


          1. Another thing. I am realizing I didn’t respond to your point about white/black mixing of blood. Yes of course you are making the most important point. Because in spite of the fact that, back in day, thousands of slave owners raped their female slaves and brought fourth mixed children (and I won’t even address the disgusting viewpoint of the slave masters that that were increasing their own numbers of slaves by doing so), when the shoe was on the other foot, the lynching rope was immediately tied to the nearest tree. In modern times you can point to one, among others, horrific example of this which of course is the torture and murder of Emmett Till. There was not only just a youth of 14, but from my understanding he only LOOKED at a white woman and lost his life as a result. This goes back to the point you just raised and that we talked about earlier in these comments, that the real problem is the white male’s fear of a black man touching his woman, or his daughter. This fear may never be admitted to but it’s there and it’s real. I myself have heard comments peppered into conversations about various people of color such as, “yeah, as long as they just leave our women and girls alone”. Like I said, you are exactly right on point. Its there, it’s real.


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